you write only for attention

azn_xo @ 2008-09-03T16:26:00

2008-09-03T20:32:29Z

recap on my life.

i still smoke cigarettes,
i still drink every weekend.

i have a boyfriend now, well he isnt anything new,
i've been dating him for six months now,
and i love him

but lately i cant help but bump into my old flings
like greg, and john espc. john.
its wierd, i mean like i dont know, not thta i would do anything
but i almost feel unloyal just talking to them
and casually brushing it aside, i guess secretly i want jack to find out
so that way we can have something to fight about
because things have been so perfect lately.

is that bad?

i guess so, probably it is, but my mother always told me i welcome trouble with open arms. whatevs

i don't do school this semster, wah i'm a loser.
i work. cool!

which is where i am right now, for another half an hour, i'm going crazy

i finished the last twilight book today i wanted to cry i needed breaks just to prolong the experience, how gay.

november 21 november 21!!!

um what esle.
my parents cut me off, i dont have moeny anymore, but i seem to still be doing fine so i guess that's good, i dont have to worry about where my next twenty bucks is coming from, which has led me to fall into some not so nice habits, whatever again!

ummmmmmmmmmm no one reads this anymore,
good.

i dont know, i've only wasted like 5 minutes.
fuck.

azn_xo @ 2008-01-04T16:30:00

2008-01-04T21:34:48Z

i have you ever felt, that no one really exists, that this is just some sick world you created, and it is just one huge dream.

that the people that you talk to are just a figure of your imagination, that we are just forming mental images so that way its different from a world that we actually do live in.

sometimes i feel as if i see everything from a whole different perspective, that no one esle can see, like not a third person, but maybe like the narrotar, and in a way i know what is going to happen in the world, or in my own life.

i dont know i have just been feeling a bit crazy lately :]

azn_xo @ 2007-12-19T19:26:00

2007-12-20T00:27:31Z

whatever.
i guess everyone knows me better than i know myself.

azn_xo @ 2007-12-13T01:07:00

2007-12-13T06:07:45Z

so i kinda came to realize that my life is a little boring.
but its okay, i'm happy with boring.

today matt cred jay and trevor came over
and i made rice
i'm happy i'm getting back into the swing of things

this weekend came so quick.
it should be good though

even though everyone around me now has a special someone
and i dont hahaha.

its okay

i'm the party girl,
and i'm not girlfriend material
isn't that right :]
just way to crazy for you

i want christmas to come so that way i can get more clothes
cuz i feel like i need them
even though i definitely dont

everyone is coming home for the holidays
i dont know how i feel
i mean michelle and nicole
come home to me!
but like other people
im not too sure of.

i still get that sinking feeling though

azn_xo @ 2007-12-10T17:28:00

2007-12-10T22:32:32Z

so i did it again
got drunk
made out

ughhhhh. i said no more.
but he was funny.
cant help that

school is almost over.
well bascially it is over
cuz im like not going anymore
im fucking up my life hahaha
noooo

i drank a ridiculous amount this weekend.
good or bad, i really dont care.

i want christmas to get here.
cuz i got a killer dress to wear
and i want someone to ask me out on a date
so i can wear it , and well not wear it
HAHAHA KIDDING!

not really thought

okay i have to go take a test now.

azn_xo @ 2007-12-04T23:22:00

2007-12-05T04:39:38Z

so i guess i have time for this,
since i dont sleep anymore

so things are basically okay i think
i defintely did a complete 180 on everything

i quit my job, because i'm retarded
school at farmingdale is okay i guess, next year should be better
i got a new car, well mommy got me a new car
i stopped being a slut, which is a good thing.

i'm back to that feeling of being alone

its horrible cuz when i hook up with random people that i dont know and im completely hammered i feel good, cuz i feel like someone wants me, even though they probably dont care as much as i do, its not my fault i have a sexaul drive, but yet it is and it makes me a slut.

whatever, i stopped kissing boys...for now.

so back to the feeling of being alone, its not like i really am, i have someone always asking to see me, and i feel bad because i turn him down, he's probably perfect for me, and i [maybe im not trying for anything] could have a relationship with him, but i avoid him, i dont know why i do it, cuz i'm depressed i dont have a boyfriend.

i see all my friends old and present ones, and they all seem to have someone, i really dont.
it just gives me that sinking feeling, that i used to get all the time.

my brother told me to read perks of being a wallflower, cuz he thought of me when he read the book, i dont see the connection

i really want a boyfriend.

its bad because usually i get boyfriends from jumping around from group to group, like the group of people right now that im really close with, everyone has hooked up with everyone, people have dated and then they date their best friend, and i dont get it, i never did, i dont understand how you can be dating one guy for so long, and then break up and then all a sudden go out with his friend or team mate or whatever, its wierd, cuz then its uncomfortable for you and your boyfriend, and your ex sitting a couple seats down from you.

i dont know that just how i think

what esle can i complain about.

i'm going to greece for my birthday,
i'm excited to go to a place i know absolutely nothing about.
its going to be like a cruise type thing. i dont know im going gain mad wieght cuz its buffet all day every day, fuck.

one thing i dont like is im going to be in greece on my brithday
so i hope none of my friends forget about it, maybe i'll celebrate it before hand.
whatever its in march anyways.

kay im done here.

azn_xo @ 2007-06-27T21:41:00

2007-06-28T01:41:48Z

yeahh i have no more time for thisssss.
im happy, and this was a bother, and an excuse to get into drama, and me looking for attention...

sooobyee!

azn_xo @ 2007-06-06T21:50:00

2007-06-07T01:50:52Z

scratch the boyfriend,
but im still happy.

azn_xo @ 2007-05-17T13:17:00

2007-05-17T17:19:27Z

word, so i'm completely content with life right now.
i have great friends,
a great boyfriend,
and im making money.

i'm never going to be home for the summer.
which is great cuz i'll never see my parents.

i'm going to ireland.
:]

and ryans prom is tomorrow.

yayayay!<3

azn_xo @ 2007-05-13T13:31:00

2007-05-13T17:32:10Z

no matter what, noone can ruin how happy i am.

azn_xo @ 2007-05-07T12:26:00

2007-05-07T16:26:51Z

so chris has decided he is going to make an entry :]

I <3 PBNJ& christina

wordlife.

azn_xo @ 2007-05-02T12:03:00

2007-05-02T16:21:06Z

hahaha soooo life is wayyyy gooddd right noww!!!

i have a really good set group of friends and im completely content with everything
i'm working.
im getting new hair hhahahahahaaaa.
and im just well happy.

besides the shrink i have to go too wooo!!
who is like a fucking hippie to the max
she says like and word wayyy moree than me it isnt even funny.
like i told her i smoke and drink and she was like
"ohhhh wordd, well like i mean as long as you dont like do it like a lot, like i mean its okayy."
ahahahahaha wtf?! this is the person who is supposed to be telling me im a messed up child?!
yeahh okay score one for the parents.

i'm supposed to be writing a senior memory book right now, im in school.
and i really just dont want to,
i came in 5th period today and i leave after this,
there is no point of being here.
absolutely no point.
but i cant have any more absences,
cuz i'll absence out.
and i can.t

now my parents want to send me away for college,
and honestly i really dont want to,
cuz like i want to stay here for my first year.
so that way i like dont have to spend money.
and like i get a new car
and i stay close with my friends.

um lets seee, went to a show last nght
it was pretty sweettt,
i saw jes, and i really missed herr like a lot.
so i was happy to hang out with her, ruthie and kait came, and im happy they had fun.
oh course scarletsignature was amazing like always.

me jes kait and ruthie are absolutely ridiclous comepletely and totally but i love them all to death....

ryann might be coming to visit on friday and i am way excited about that, and that we can party here together, and he can take the three hour train ride alone ahhahaha which is such a bitch im not even going to lie.

anyways okayy i've wasted enough time heree.

azn_xo @ 2007-04-30T17:47:00

2007-04-30T21:49:03Z

i'm bored.
and i sititng here waiting to go out to dinner with my mom for her 50th hahaha.

anyways things are good
i am currently unattached right now and it not really a big deal to me
i didnt think it would be, but like i have rosie and kait
and thats basically all i need.

okay time to go byeee<33

azn_xo @ 2007-04-17T09:32:00

2007-04-17T13:37:50Z

so im sitting in school the teacher who hates my living guts is right across from me. good times.
im so fed up with school im basically failing out, teachers calling my house is not out of the norm anymore.
i had my first paycheck taken away from my parents last night im so fucking upset over that one.
ahahaha,
oh boy.

anyways i dont talk to john anymore.
its really upsetting to me.
because i really liked him as a person, and he was a good thing in my life.
but it is okay. whatever he wants to do.

um so this past weekend like socially has been very good.
:D sushi<3 night at the beach<33 baking out my car with my best firends hahaha.
and then renting six movies and i only stay for two cuz my parents are cunts. lolll.

i dont know things are bad, and really good.
i really hope something will come out of this new one.
cuz that would be really nice<3

um. yes. right.
i forgot.
i might move to glen cove.
joy.

i drink way to much.
on wednesday i came home drunk a fucking school night and had a fight with my parents
and they didnt even realize.
hahahaha whateverrrr.

azn_xo @ 2007-04-06T15:34:00

2007-04-06T19:34:14Z

i party too much.

azn_xo @ 2007-04-04T17:24:00

2007-04-04T21:29:09Z

things are good.
i got a job.
@ forever 21 hahaha.
its okay i dont like standing up all the time thats the only thing i dont like bbut its not like zumiez where im like trying to sell shit to people that dont wanna be bothered to i like it.

um yeah hanging out with you today was really nicee <3
i really did miss you, a lot.
and im happy you missed me too. :D

so i love ruthie we are dating secretly.
ruthxelizabeth: vinny. im secretly dating christina except we dont hookup and stuff.
ruthxelizabeth: haha
ruthxelizabeth: he wasl ike oh yeah?
ruthxelizabeth: i was like yeah? and we go out on secret dates

we are awesome.

um went upstate last weekend.
it was good, not everything i remembered.
but everyone changes and i still had fun none the less<33

i dont know i really dont know what esle to write about.
?
good done?

azn_xo @ 2007-03-26T17:10:00

2007-03-26T21:45:58Z

so yeah this is probably why people have been thinking im acting wierd.

so im just coming to realize that i dont have mike around anymore.
like its so shitty, i was going through my phonebook, and i had to delete his number out of my phonebook and seriously, like as lame as it sounds thats when i realized it.

i didnt realize it,
when i walked in on your body at the house,
when i visited you at the hospital.
when the nurse called me saying you died.
when i helped tom plann the funeral.
when i went to the funeral.
when i fought with your mother.
you'd think but nahhh not really.
i just cried, holy shit did i cry.

but its not like your my friends friend, or my family friend, or that boy that i'd bring chicks over to the house so you can hook up with, you were just mike, so when you died its almost like you disappeared.
there was no group of people that was morning for you, it was just me and tom, we were your family.

like now who am i supposed to call at like 4 am
and be like yoo you wanna get cheeseburgers in the morning?
and then drive around aimlessly in your car with tom
at 6 am looking for a place to get cheeseburgers
before you dropped me off at school.
and fucking prom hahaha
my first one, we made a scandalll baby<3
now you are missing out on mine. fucking slutt<3

it just sucks you know because it was just such a shitty way to go ,
like you tried to kill yourself, hahaa im fucking putting this on livejournal. and like we thought you were going to get better, but you ruined it, you couldnt even have waited for my 18th, but thanks for saying happy birthday before you left.

you know im going to miss you
and that i love you more than everything in the world.
you were to me and always will be the "boy next door" lol,
that got away, and im glad we stayed so close when you moved out
and that i was able to call you my best friend,
and to know that you loved me back.

Michael Evens Philips
April 29 1986 - March 2 2007

azn_xo @ 2007-03-23T10:58:00

2007-03-23T15:05:21Z

so im sitting in class and i never realized how much i really just stopped talking to people in my school.
they are just so fake and i basically dont care if i gett looked as for pusing people out of my way, because of have absolutely no respect for them, they know nothing about me or my life.
its not like i have no friends, i do talk to people in class but like i dont make an effort anymore, and it honestly doesnt bother me.

fucking i almost got iss for yelling at my teacher,
but i got out of it,

so um frustrated much about everything?
i think so, i fuckin applied to like every store possible.

im so happy it is getting warmer out again.
this weekend should be sooo good.
but im not sure illl be able to go out to east islip
and i miss rosie and kait a lott<33

i misss hanging out with some boy,
and like its so shitty, cuz like we just basically both stopped talking to each other for no reason and i kinda was starting to like you , which is shitty.

also to steven cuz i know you fucking look at this..
which is lame cuz it is just a livejournal
the next time i see you im going to fucking say something to you.
because you are a hypocrite, and a liar, and i honestly dislike you as a person now.

i have a date tonight, and her name is ruthie and i loveee herr a lott<333
saturday hanging out with kim<3
and sunday getttingg tons and tonss of money from the familyy<33
this should be good!

i'm a happy person

oh man fucking also im going upstate with lisa and posibly ruthie too[?]
but i miss ryann and hanging out and looking at those effinnnn hillsss<333
spring breakk babyy!

azn_xo @ 2007-03-16T20:30:00

2007-03-17T00:34:16Z

^^^ my most amazinggg effin birthday present everrrrrr!!!!<333

so anywayss im soo done with boys.
lets see how long this is going to last.

fucking im bored.
huge ice storm
cant go out
birthday weekend
just my luck.

saw 300 best movie fucking ever.
bloody yes i know thiss, but still sooo badass.

im gunna get dropped from school.
its going to be sw33ttt.

i need all new clothes.
like right nowww.
:D

azn_xo @ 2007-03-12T13:38:00

2007-03-12T17:40:47Z

i am so happy where i am right now.
im not tied down, i'm not in trouble.
i dont even care if i do absolutely nothing for my birthday.
i just want to get a sw33tt tattoo.

i absolutely adore my friends.
and im sick of complaining.

andddd i cant believe i saw you
and after all the shit you said
you dont even have the nerve to say something to me.
YOURE A FUCKING IMMATURE PUSSY.
DONT START SHIT WITH ME IF YOURE NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING TO ME WHEN YOU SEE ME YOU DUMB BITCH.

i'm soo happyy.

azn_xo @ 2007-03-07T09:09:00

2007-03-07T14:09:43Z

people don't bother me.
it just proves how immature you are
:]

azn_xo @ 2007-03-05T17:15:00

2007-03-05T22:23:35Z

okay lets set this straight.

I'M INDECISIVE AND I NEVERRRR KNOW WHAT I WANT.
I AM CONSTANTING CHANGING MY MIND ON SO MANY THINGS.

people change all the time.

i dont want to give up on you.
and i hope you know that.

i seriously make the worst decisions.

i have to grow up,
and realize that things do happen that are shitty,
but they will get better.

when i say something i should stick to it.
or not say it at all.
and i'm seriously happy for you making me realize that.

azn_xo @ 2007-03-03T16:41:00

2007-03-03T21:51:58Z

So lately things have been so much better.
the relationship with my parents, friends, everyone.

i got into the school i wanted to go to.
im ecstatic about that one.

i've really just decided that i'm going to give up one finding a boyfriend.
because no matter how hard i try, i either, make a fool out of myself, or just mess up.

plus i'm sick of having to try and get your attention all the time.
so as much as i wanted it to work, i know it just isn't.

i really need to find a job.
badly.

so last night was pretty fun.
i forgot how much fun it was hanging out with kim.

my birthday is soonnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

azn_xo @ 2007-02-25T12:29:00

2007-02-25T17:39:47Z

hahaha everything is back to normal.

besides the whole i never talk to my mom anymore, but she leaves me money so i can't possibly care, and now if she says i cant go anywhere, i just tell her ill punch you again, and everything will be fine.

so i got a hugeee reality check of how girls can be such bitches last night.
like i dont get it.
2/3's of you are busted, annoying, young, and immature.
Why would you ever want to start shit with me ever?!
Seriously who the fuck do you think you are.
And to the other, thank you ever so much for sticking up for me, not that I needed it, but it would have been nice.

I desperately need a jobbbbbbbbbbbb.
i gotta find one, or esle my dad will punch me.

i no longer really like to drink or get high.
i haven't decided if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet.?

um, so i think i have a boy.[?]
which is really nice, i like having that feeling again.
but i feel like everything is so unsure,
i dont know.
its complicated.

alll i want to do is go upstate.
and get a taste of the summer backkk<3

azn_xo @ 2007-02-12T15:45:00

2007-02-12T20:46:23Z

things are still shitty.
but he makes me smile<3